I’m not part of the kink community; in fact ,I’m a bit hesitant to partake in my kinks at all.  Even if I’m with someone who is into S&M, a sub/masochist or whatever, I can’t help but feel guilty that I prefer to be the dominant role.  I never even bring up any of my sadist fantasies to a girl unless I know she’s into it and a bottom because I’m too ashamed otherwise of what people might think.

What might they think?  A quick Google search would show [that] the rest of the world seems to think I should seek professional help, as sadism (but not masochism) is compared to sociopaths and lack of empathy and potential murderers and serial killers; or that if it’s a man they must be inherently misogynistic, or that they probably tortured puppies as a child—but that doesn’t describe me!  I care for people and am fine in relationships and don’t want to really hurt people, and I love puppies.  I’m NOT into real cruelty, just sometimes, peppered between those slow romantic love making sessions, I am into sadistic sex with a consenting partner.

Do most S’s in the S&M community at some point have to overcome this feeling of guilt?  Why is the world so much more mistrusting of the S part of S&M?

Dear S,

Sadly, there are many people that experience guilt in regards to their sexuality.  It’s not just religion that teaches us that our bodies are bad and that we don’t deserve pleasure; we do live in a society that was based on puritanical ideals. It’s not just in the BDSM community that people have to get over guilt, but in almost every walk of life.

I’m wondering what you Googled specifically. There are many sex- and BDSM-positive websites out there, and a myriad of kink-aware professionals (including many in the medical field, who will treat what ails you, not your sexual proclivities). If you go looking for it, you can use Google to find sites that will tell you that eating meat is genocide, wearing mixed fiber is wrong and unnatural, and if you don’t have kids, you are anti-humanity. Don’t go searching on the Internet for negative people. They are there, they are vocal, and they love telling people like us how bad we are so they can feel better about themselves.

Let’s address some of your concerns specifically. Yes, it is easy to come across the stigma that sadists (and/or tops) are bad guys—particularly when they’re heterosexual males—but it‘s not the only common stigma.  (Also, keep in mind that words such as “top,” “dominant” and “sadist” are not interchangeable. Each has its distinctions.) Many people are squicked* out by how a consensual scene can resemble a nonconsensual act  from afar. To put it bluntly, two lovers gleefully enjoying a power exchange scene might look like stereotypical domestic abuse to someone. It is not in any way the same thing, but many people don’t like having their buttons pushed, nor do they like the reminder that there is non-consensual violence out there. There are people in many walks of life who have a problem with one form of dynamic or another, be it what you’re describing or even something as common as two women playing together. There will always be someone who has a problem with anything that you’re doing, but that statement isn’t limited to the scene. It’s true just about everywhere.

The thing that is most important to remember about consensual S&M is that consent goes both ways. Lots of people like rough sex, not just guys. Many of my female friends in the community (and several outside of it) prefer rough sex and have been frustrated finding decent a man who will go there with them—they’ve found that the stigma against it often keeps nice guys from playing rough with girls, and none of them wants to be with a jerk. Many of them were relieved and grateful when they came into a community where they were encouraged to ask for what they wanted and found support, not retribution for wanting it.

The fact of the matter is that there is nothing wrong with giving your partner what he or she wants, and it’s a lot easier to find healthy people willing to ask for it in the alternative community. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying rough sex (or any other type of kink or BDSM) with people who enjoy it as well. Giving a woman something she wants and has asked for isn’t misogynistic. Giving someone what they know they want and have asked you for can be a great way to spend your time. Come out and join us in the community! The concepts of  SSC** and RACK*** just mean that you are more likely to find someone who can give you what you want and not have hang-ups about it. Have an open mind, come out and meet some of the friendly people who have been where you are and enjoy doing things that you also enjoy. Kinky adults socializing with kinky adults just means that we all get to have a better time.

If you have more questions S, ask away.

Enjoy yourself,
~JW

*Squicked- to be bothered by something that is happening. To say that you are squicked or that something squicks you out is simply saying that you have an personal issue with an action. It is a neutral, non-judgmental way to express discomfort.
**SSC- Safe, Sane and Consensual
***RACK- Risk Aware Consensual Kink