Dear Julian,

This may seem awfully tame compared to some of your other mail, but maybe I’m not the only one in this situation.

I’m a gal of what used to be called “a certain age,” even though I feel and apparently look and act younger. I’ve realized that I seem to have a lot of really nice (attractive and, well, sexy) male friends who are in their 20s. The scary part is that I am old enough to be their mom, if I’d ever been able or inclined to have kids. I’m not exclusively attracted to younger guys, and to be honest, the guys I’d really like to be with are both about my age. (They’re another letter for another time …)

Should I be worried that I find myself attracted to my friends? They’re all over 21, so no legal issues, but I don’t want to end up being one of those sad cougars who’s the laughingstock of the club. So far, I haven’t pursued any of the guys, and probably won’t due to other considerations, but is it okay to let them wander through my thoughts, or should I head for the cold showers?

Signed,
Frustrated Feline

Dear Frustrated Feline,

It amazes me how sexist the concept of May/December romance can be. If a male-type person finds someone who’s years/decades younger, it might not even be questioned; or at best, he’s a “silver fox.” Or just lucky. If a woman has the same relative relationship, she’s robbing the cradle, or is a “cougar.” The difference—between let’s say a silver fox or a cougar—is that silver fox is not a negative term and cougar is rarely a positive one.

Here are my thoughts on this sort of thing: If you are dealing with two adults who are interested in having a relationship with one another and both have the maturity to consent, then there isn’t an issue. Yes, there are people we call “chicken hawks” in the alternative community. What’s a chicken hawk? A chicken hawk is someone who is a predator and preys upon the young and/or innocent and uninformed, most frequently because they are unable or unwilling to have healthy relationships. What you are describing above doesn’t sound like chicken-hawking at all, nor does it sound like the negative stereotype that’s associated with the term “cougar.” It sounds like you are interested in people who have similar interests and who enjoy spending time with you as well. Don’t let unrealistic expectations squash what could develop into romance.

As long as you stay away from the animal-print hot pants—and, for that matter, dance clubs that are sad anyway—you won’t turn into a “sad cougar” or a laughingstock. Be with adults that you’re compatible with, and screw people who feel the need to stamp negative labels on it.

As for the part that’s another letter for another time, taking the steps to prepare yourself for relationships that are polyamorous or open is something that you can start doing now.

So, my dear Frustrated Feline, please, get out there and enjoy yourself.

—Julian