Hello Julian!

I would like to start by saying great job on the column! This is something I have been looking for for quite some time. Now, here’s my situation. I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now, and everything is pretty good between us, except-you guessed it-our sex life. I was her first (she would only do oral before me) and after that first time, she couldn’t get enough. Well, now it is to the point where I’m lucky to get it once a month. No more freakiness, just some oral, missionary sex and we’re done. Her sister lives with us, and I could see how she wouldn’t want us doing it while she’s there; but she doesn’t even make time for us anymore. This is especially difficult for me as I’m more experienced than her and much more kinky. I am open with her about this, she knows about most of my fetishes and how I wish to explore them (one being exploring my bi-curiosities), but doesn’t seem to care and says, “I tried sex and didn’t care much for it.” Now, I love her with all my heart and don’t want to hurt her; but it’s getting hard to not have sex like I am used to, or even getting some sort of support from her. (I crossdress. She used to actually pick clothes out for me and have me put on a show. Now she couldn’t care less.) So, my question for you is what can I do to possibly convince her that sex is a great thing and it’s even greater to explore? Do I suggest arrangements with someone else? (I wouldn’t like this unless she were involved; but like I said, it’s getting out of control.) Or am I doomed to live a celibate life while being tortured by my thoughts? Any advice you can offer will be very much appreciated!

Sincerely,
No Love for the Boyfriend

Dear No Lo Boy,

Thank you for the kind words! We had a feeling people like you (and others who were looking) were out there.

Let’s get right into it: What can you possibly do to convince your girlfriend that sex is a great thing to explore? That is a tough one, and frequently the answer is you can’t do anything. Some people just aren’t into sex. I know that’s hard for people like us to understand, but there’s the (sad for us) fact. Here are some options: You guys can try couples’ therapy to work on the issues together, but if she doesn’t see a problem then it will be difficult, to say the least, to treat the issue. You mentioned the other options, and those are certainly viable. You love her with all your heart, but still have needs that should be met. You can accomplish that a variety of ways. One way is simply opening the relationship and finding other playmates, but not becoming emotionally committed to them. The other is polyamory-find another partner to meet those needs. There’s also a third option: poly-kink. Poly-kink is where you are sexually monogamous (and you two can define what that means) to one partner, but you play with others. With a poly-kink relationship you can have your cross-dressing scene and your kinky shenanigans and come back after you’ve worked out your freak muscle for a bit. That might not be the best-case scenario if you’re worried about being celibate, because it sounds like (good, or at least energetic) sex is important to you.

Have you looked at her and actually said the words, “I love you, but I am also a human who has needs. What can we do to make sure we’re both fulfilled?” If you haven’t had the talk, you need to. If you have and her only response was the one you mentioned, then you might want to look at refining (or redefining) your relationship. It sounds like you’re pretty much just friends with occasional benefits anyway. Remember that you can love each other and not be in a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. That really only works if your wants and needs compliment each other. I wish you the best and hope that you can both keep open minds and find the best dynamic for your relationship.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

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Going from adventure to adventure, Julian’s alternative lifestyle experiences have led her from stage to classroom; performing, teaching and giving the occasional interview in New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado and California. For more intimate details, check out her website at www.julianwolf.net.

With a poly-kink relationship you can work out your freak muscle