Dear Carnal Conundrums,

I’m in my late 20s and I’m not getting enough sex in my primary relationship. We’re polyamorous, but I haven’t been seeing anyone else for about a year. I’ve been looking for a new steady lover for a while, and many of my friends are stressing that I should just go out and have a one-night stand. While that sounds good in theory, I have no interest in random hookups or going through several people before I find a steady date. Before, I’ve had a friendship or some sort of arrangement before “going all the way,” and I’d like to at least get to know someone a bit before getting freaky. Does this make me some sort of prude? Are one-night stands really necessary when looking for a new lover?

Thanks,
Tired Of Feeling Screwed In A Not-So-Good Way

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Hello Julian!

I would like to start by saying great job on the column! This is something I have been looking for for quite some time. Now, here’s my situation. I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now, and everything is pretty good between us, except-you guessed it-our sex life. I was her first (she would only do oral before me) and after that first time, she couldn’t get enough. Well, now it is to the point where I’m lucky to get it once a month. No more freakiness, just some oral, missionary sex and we’re done. Her sister lives with us, and I could see how she wouldn’t want us doing it while she’s there; but she doesn’t even make time for us anymore. This is especially difficult for me as I’m more experienced than her and much more kinky. I am open with her about this, she knows about most of my fetishes and how I wish to explore them (one being exploring my bi-curiosities), but doesn’t seem to care and says, “I tried sex and didn’t care much for it.” Now, I love her with all my heart and don’t want to hurt her; but it’s getting hard to not have sex like I am used to, or even getting some sort of support from her. (I crossdress. She used to actually pick clothes out for me and have me put on a show. Now she couldn’t care less.) So, my question for you is what can I do to possibly convince her that sex is a great thing and it’s even greater to explore? Do I suggest arrangements with someone else? (I wouldn’t like this unless she were involved; but like I said, it’s getting out of control.) Or am I doomed to live a celibate life while being tortured by my thoughts? Any advice you can offer will be very much appreciated!

Sincerely,
No Love for the Boyfriend

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