How did you come out to your family and friends?

Dear Nosey,

There are lots of resources out there to help you come out of whatever closet you are in. If you are one of the many flavors of “not heterosexual,” it’s frequently important to come out so that your partner can be a part of your family. This link from the Human Rights Campaign covers several closets as well as coming out as a straight supporter of those with alternative lifestyles. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) has several chapters across New Mexico, and they offer excellent support for you and your family. Here’s a link to their local chapters.

While I don’t think it is necessary to tell everyone in your life exactly how you like to have sex or the intricate details of your particular dynamic, there are excellent resources when it is important. My highest recommendation is When Someone You Love is Kinky, a fantastic book by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. It is an honest, realistic and gentle introduction to the world of BDSM.

Personally, I am greatly blessed that the vast majority of my friends whom I came out to replied with a simple, “Yeah, we already knew that.” Several of these friends even volunteered to come along for the ride. I highly recommend that you utilize any resources that you have. Also keep in mind that not everyone is going to understand alternative lifestyles, and that’s OK. Being open about sexuality is a new thing for a lot of people, and they have as much right to be uncomfortable as you do to be open. Just don’t forget to enjoy yourself.

. . .

Dear Julian,

I’m a very sexual person and 99 percent of the time I have no second thoughts when it comes to having sex. But two weeks ago I was asked by a person who had been celibate for almost five years to have sex with him. He decided to give up sex after his life was dominated by his sexual addiction; he promised himself that he would not have sex for five years. He is about four months away from reaching his five-year goal. He keeps telling me that he does not care anymore and just wants to have sex with me. What do I do?

Sincerely,
PF

Dear PF,

It seems to me that you are bothered by the moral aspects of someone throwing away a commitment just for a roll in the hay. Personally, I would thank the guy-that’s a huge compliment. If I were interested in getting it on, I would make it clear that I am well worth the wait, and that I find people who honor their commitments sexy. That’s just me; here are two things for you to think about:

• He made the commitment to himself to be celibate. If you didn’t have anything to do with that, you are under no obligation to abide by it.
• Would it will be healthy for you to get involved with Mr. Addicted So Bad He Went Celibate?

After you’ve considered these things, consider this:

• It sounds like you can do the casual sex thing pretty well, but can he? Especially after five years? Is the physical reward worth the emotional risk?

I hope this helps regardless of what you decide, PF. (I have a feeling you’re going to find a good time no matter what!)

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

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Going from adventure to adventure, Julian’s alternative lifestyle experiences have led her from stage to classroom; performing, teaching and giving the occasional interview in New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado and California. For more intimate details, check out her website at www.julianwolf.net.

Mr. Addicted So Bad He Went Celibate