Does kink and sex always go hand in hand? From what I hear monogamy can’t happen with kinky people and it’s crazy sex all the time with the guy/gal that brought the rope. Is that right?

Thanks,
Exhausted Thinking About It

Contrary to somewhat popular belief, kink and the act of sex do not always go hand and hand. In many cases, the hands stay away from the areas most frequently associated with sex. In fact, some people in the greater community have made movements to bring sex back into play. Once “the scene” started being less underground and more out in the open (ie: legal private clubs, conventions in hotels, publicly advertised parties, above-ground fetish parties) sex became a less-common occurrence. People had to stay “street legal” or avoid things that resemble sexual contact altogether due to zoning and/or prostitution laws. Some BDSM organizations have rules that sex is never allowed, including things like genital contact, or any kind of purposeful bodily fluid emissions or exchange. Heck, there are parties that are just for spanking! It’s completely possible to play with lots of people and remain sexually monogamous, and/or maintain the fidelity in your relationship, lots of people do.

Speaking of remaining sexually monogamous and/or maintaining fidelity in your relationships, make sure you talk about these things in advance. Is flogging ok but spanking makes you uncomfortable? Is strap-on play alright but kissing is right out? Being served by the same French Maid every weekend acceptable but movie dates unacceptable? Rules need to be whatever work for you. For some relationships, it might look like “anything goes” to the outside observer, but there are some specific rules in place. To use a personal example, my submissive was welcome to have casual sex and do sadomasochistic (S&M) activities with others, but anything involving D/s (dominance and submission) was rarely, if ever on the table. To the casual observer it might have looked like we had a completely open relationship, but we didn’t. We kept our emotional fidelity while having a lovely time with variety of other people.

Some people do mix their kink with sex exclusively, but for the most part that isn’t the case… at least not in the greater public community. What do I mean by “greater public community?” I’m talking about the organizations, groups, conventions, clubs and the like. (There’s a list of New Mexico groups here on Saucy Southwest!) There’s more to the BDSM and kink than just sexual aspects, and the cross over is pretty vast.

There are leaders in the community who are in monogamous relationships, and even active people who only play with one person. There isn’t one single thing that’s true of everyone in any group, and that’s always a good thing to keep in mind.

Exhausted Thinking About It, I hope that answers your question.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Dear Julian,

What’s all this I hear about food and sex? Heck, some of the internet memes ask about sex w/ vegetables, and I always hear about the sexiness of strawberries & whipped cream, not to mention chocolate body paint. Do people really do that? Is it a good idea?

Thanks,
B aka not sure if I’m hungry

People have been mixing food and sex for eons—the Romans even did some documentation on this—and we’re not just talking about olive oil as lube. The fact is that humans have a tendency to utilize phallic-shaped objects, and a lot of produce is quite phallic. Let’s start with that. Other than the basic factors of cleanliness and smooth surfaces, there aren’t a lot of risks involving sexy time with the produce section, particularly of the vegetable variety. There are people that utilize nature’s bounty out of convenience or experimentation, to spice things up a bit, and then there are those who have a specific affinity for food play.

Fetishizing playing with your food has its own special medical label, sitophilia. There’s also a subset of the fetish culture that uses the term “sploshing” for the messier, food all over the place type of play. Kiddie pools filled with pudding, laying out tarps out for food fights and strawberries and cream a la 9-1/2 Weeks is a pastime for many adults and even theme parties. Some are in it for the taboo; others, the texture and sensations, and some people just like it without thinking much about why.

There are some safety concerns when it comes to food play. Sugars and sensitive bits really aren’t designed to mix. Sugars introduced internally into orifices other than the mouth can feed infection and throw of the balance of your natural bacterial flora. Yeah, that’s right, we all have happy bacteria that co-exist with us and keep us healthy. When you add elements, sugar in particular can cause nasty infections when left to hang out. Cleaning up after play is the best preventive medicine. Some people never have issues, and some have them the first time out; every body is different. Whipped cream, chocolate body paint and flavored lube (check those ingredients) can be a great time, just make sure that you pay attention and round up the afterglow with some sexy shower time. Alternatively, if it was Jell-o wrestling, cake sitting or a custard bath, you might want to start with a nice hosing off.

All in all, mixing sex and food can be a good time and a lot of people do it. Think about this- most people use food as foreplay. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home can lead to eating off of each other forks, or tasting sauce on each others fingers- such actions are frequently portrayed on screen during romantic moments on film. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home almost always leads to the bedroom, on or off film.

B, I hope I answered your questions and remember, there are a plethora of ways to have a deliciously good time.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Do any women actually like porn? I mean seriously, I can never get my girlfriends to watch porn with me, unless its my birthday or something, and then I get in trouble for looking. I have to hide my porn. What’s the deal?

scared to watch

Sorry to hear that and thank you for asking! Lots of people run up against problems like this, so let’s see what we can do to help.

First of all, it’s really never a good idea to have such gross generalizations- there’s actually nothing that is true or untrue of every woman, but let’s get to the pornographic point. Yes, there are women who like porn. Heck, there are porn companies run by women, for women, though I’m sure some men enjoy those movies as well. I have female friends of many different flavors (gay, straight, queer, hetero, poly) who enjoy pornography, just as I know a handful of men who don’t get anything from pornography at all. There are studies that have found that males tend to be more visually oriented than females, which is greatly why much of the pornography industry focuses their energy on the male populace.

The thing to keep in mind is a lot of the porn out there is pretty sexist and some of it you could argue is pretty degrading as well. Even the really good stuff, even the feminist porn, gets a bad rap from sex-negative people and/or people who don’t get it. Some people truly believe that all pornography is a bad thing, and many females, particularly in our country are told from early on that it is a bad thing. That’s frequently a lot to work through. Let’s face it, nine times out of ten sex is demonized while violence is celebrated in the media. For some people, it’s really just too much programming to push aside and get off on.

As far as stereotypes go, lots of women like “Romance Novels” which are really just emotional erotica tied up in a gaudy bow. Many of the same women who are anti-porn are pro “Romance Novels” and some women who are pro-porn think that romance novels are trashy. Go figure.

Here’s a suggestion- find out what your girlfriend’s issue with porn is. For some people, it simple. Frequent reasons include “It’s boring” “I don’t get it” “Not into that type of person” “It’s gross.” Well, there are as many flavors of porn as there are of candy. Find out why they don’t like it, and then find some that doesn’t have those qualities that you can watch together. There are well acted movies, movies with people of every shape, size, age and color, movies with different themes and plots, movies without plots, romantic porn and pretty much anything you can imagine.

If they’re just anti-porn in general and they don’t even want you to watch it, then you need to have the conversation that talks about the difference between fantasy/masturbatory tools and cheating. Some people are jealous enough in their relationships that they’d rather their partner not look at anyone else at all. My opinion on that is that they have bigger issues, but that’s not the point. Some people chose the DADT (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) format for this sort of situation. Some people would rather not know that their partners watch porn but don’t mind as long as they don’t bring it up. You’re an adult and you should have the right to entertain yourself as you see fit, just don’t flaunt it if your partner isn’t comfortable.

A good place to meet other people who actually enjoy porn is at places like Self Serve and the Erotic Film Festival that they put on annually. Pornotopia is a wonderful group of people that get together to watch porn on the big screen. The festival is primarily run by females and we’re all there for the love of the erotic arts, and yes, we watch porn.

Regardless of whether or not you have to keep your porn viewing private or can turn into a group effort, ask away if you have any other questions.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

What does pansexuality mean? There’s already bisexual, what’s the difference really? I mean, how many words do we need?

Thanks,
Not an English Major